A romantic relationship has ended and the old love is gone, yet many people still talk, check in on each other, and even remain friends. Why don't so many people cut off contact with a former partner after a breakup?
A report in the psychology magazine Psychology Today lists four reasons, drawing on several studies, including research from the University of Kansas. Some people stay friends with an ex for emotional comfort, some out of necessity, and some because of lingering love.
Emotional comfort:
Trust builds between two people during a relationship. Habits form: sharing your thoughts, having someone by your side in hard times, talking when you feel low. These habits don't go away easily after a breakup. So many people stay friends with an ex because talking to them is comforting, they can open up to them, and they get the company of someone familiar. If both people respect each other and accept the relationship's new status, this kind of friendship can be a good one.
Necessity:
Friendship doesn't always come from love or emotion; sometimes contact is needed for practical reasons. For example, the two may share the same friends. They may also share property, a pet, or responsibility for a child. Some people even receive financial or other benefits from a former partner. Research suggests that friendships built purely on necessity often don't last long, though the two people may still get along well.
Avoiding trouble:
After a breakup, many people don't want to get into fresh arguments or bad feelings. So they speak politely to their ex, keep up with how they're doing, and behave in a friendly way. Some feel that cutting off direct contact might hurt the other person. Moving in the same circle of friends can also create awkwardness. These are further reasons people maintain a friendship. However, friendships that form only to avoid trouble usually don't last long.
Lingering love
Even after a breakup, love doesn't vanish from everyone's heart all at once. Some people still want their ex back, so they keep in contact under the name of friendship. They hope the relationship might be repaired one day. Others don't want to see their ex with someone else, so they can't let go of the friendship even though the relationship is over. But if one person wants only friendship while the other hopes to get back together, this arrangement can cause new pain.
Staying friends with an ex doesn't necessarily mean the old romance is returning. For some people, the friendship survives even after the feelings of love have faded. Others break up without any bitterness, so keeping a normal relationship is possible.
According to the research cited in the Psychology Today report, about 60 percent of people are friends with at least one former partner, and about 20 percent are friends with more than one. The report also says LGBTQ people are more likely than heterosexual people to stay friends after a breakup.
The most important thing in a friendship with an ex, however, is whether both people want the same thing. If one wants to forget the old relationship and move forward while the other still hopes to return, the friendship can become difficult for both.